Missing cat…by David Thorne
Posted in Guest posts by St33v on Wednesday, 30 June 2010.p.s. It turns out that this was actually made by someone. Possibly David Thorne. I pasted it from an email into my blog thinking it was just a product of the internewt [note: actual typo; funny so I left it].
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 8.37am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Poster
Hi
I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has
been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to
busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I
will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.
This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name
Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing
on Harper street and my phone number.
Thanks Shan.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Poster
Dear Shannon,
That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read
your email and not half way up a ladder or tree. How are you
holding up? I am surprised you managed to attend work at all
what with thinking about Missy out there cold, frightened and
alone… possibly lying on the side of the road, her back
legs squashed by a vehicle, calling out “Shannon, where are you?”
Although I have two clients expecting completed work this
afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever
it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.
Regards, David.
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Poster
yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really
worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster
Dear Shannon,
I never said I don’t like cats. Once, having been invited to
a party, I went clothes shopping beforehand and bought a pair
of expensive G-Star boots. They were two sizes too small but
I wanted them so badly I figured I could just wear them
without socks and cut my toenails very short. As the party
was only a few blocks from my place, I decided to walk. After
the first block, I lost all feeling in my feet. Arriving at
the party, I stumbled into a guy named Steven, spilling
Malibu & coke onto his white Wham ‘Choose Life’ t-shirt, and
he punched me. An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat
down in a chair already occupied by a cat. The surprised cat
clawed and snarled causing Steven to leap out of the chair,
slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto the corner of a
speaker; resulting in a two inch open gash. In its shock, the
cat also defecated, leaving Steven with a foul stain down the
back of his beige cargo pants. I liked that cat.
Attached poster as requested.
Regards, David.
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a
movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
Dear Shannon,
It’s a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.
Regards, David.
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am
extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears.
you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger
please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
Dear Shannon,
Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would
have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions
otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don’t
come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log
onto Facebook and look out of the window. I am willing to
overlook this faux pas due to you no doubt being preoccupied
with thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home across
busy intersections or being trapped in a drain as it slowly
fills with water. I spent three days down a well once but
that was just for fun.
I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.
Regards, David.
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows
the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says
missing missy off it? I just want it to say Lost.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.21am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and
the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she
was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything
stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I
would help you. Thanks.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Awww
Dear Shannon,
I don’t have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend’s
cat for a week but after he dropped it off at my apartment
and explained the concept of kitty litter, I kept the cat in
a closed cardboard box in the shed and forgot about it. If I
wanted to feed something and clean faeces, I wouldn’t have
put my mother in that home after her stroke. A week later,
when my friend came to collect his cat, I pretended that I
was not home and mailed the box to him. Apparently I failed
to put enough stamps on the package and he had to collect it
from the post office and pay eighteen dollars. He still goes
on about that sometimes, people need to learn to let go.
I have attached the amended version of your poster as per
your detailed instructions.
Regards, David.
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Awww
Thats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That
cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Awww
I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met
any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get
a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says “I
haven’t seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white
one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?”
you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.
I knew someone who had a basset hound that had its hind legs
removed after an accident and it had to walk around with one
of those little buggies with wheels. If it had been my dog I
would have asked for all its legs to be removed and replaced
with wheels and had a remote control installed. I could
charge neighbourhood kids for rides and enter it in races. If
I did the same with a horse I could drive it to work. I would
call it Steven.
Regards, David.
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww
Please just use the photo I gave you.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww
I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars.
What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is
perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww
Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I
have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make
photocopies of it.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww
Fine. That will have to do.
p.s. It turns out that this was actually made by someone. Possibly David Thorne. I pasted it from an email into my blog thinking it was just a product of the internewt [note: actual typo; funny so I left it].